Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
