I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Randomize
