I cut my penus on the lid.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
