Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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