I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I CAN MOONWALK!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
