You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
