I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
