What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
