he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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