I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
