If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
