if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
