i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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