and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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