I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
