girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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