dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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