All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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