He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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