first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
