i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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