You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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