hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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