Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
