I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
