Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
