Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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