i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
