dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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