The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she peed on how many people?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
