some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
