remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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