Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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