Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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