Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
