dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
