Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
