I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
