so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
