i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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