she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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