Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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