I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
