all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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