OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
