At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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