I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
