I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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