fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
