He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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