How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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